Our Traffic Empires


I’ve always thought we’d be great as a family of traffic managers, mostly because we, as a family, are good at everything. That’s right…we’ve got the looks, we’ve got the touch, we’ve got the talent, and the Bakers always work together as a flawless team. One thing Melbourne needs more of is people who make traffic management plans, so my wife and I would start a firm – Baker Traffic Services – and the children would join us (in an official capacity) once they come of age. We would be a powerful force for clearing up roads, installing roundabouts and eliminating parking garages entirely, since they’re much better off being replaced with what are essentially robotic storage shelves.

Cars would roll up onto a platform, a giant claw hand would descend, it’d pick them up and they’d be placed into a nice little slot for easy storage. When you need your car again, just punch in your license plate and the claw arm will root through the pile and give back your vehicle. Boom, car park and traffic management revolutionised. You can thank the Bakers, once again, for making all of your slightly inferior lives a little more bearable. 

Or, we could pour our efforts into a traffic impact assessment report that will solidify our names in history… for traffic management, anyway. That’s the way it goes with us: we can’t help excelling in every single field, from medical science to botany, although sometimes the prize is taken away from us by blatant acts of cheating. No matter…we soldier on, knowing that the true victory was ours.

So it shall be in the field of traffic management, if I have my way. I’d have to convince everyone that this is an appropriate use of our time and Baker genetics. There’s only so much time in one life to do great things. Do the Bakers want to cure every form of cancer? Establish a colony on Venus? Invent a plastic that can not only be digested by sea life, but one they find delicious? We’re going down in history one way or another. 

-T. Baker